This is why I never tell certain people anything! I mean geez why does he have to be so damn infuriating!?? I trust you with something huge and I instantly regret it! How do you know just the right thing to say to make me lose my mind! It’s like you sit around all the time thinking of/looking up things to say to people to completely frustrate them! UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! YOU REALLY MAKE ME WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!

So I have a really hard time with the fact that I trusted you with something so important and special and now its just… Over. I hate that word… Over. I have to keep telling myself that it’s over because sometimes I forget… Like when I have a dream about you and I wake up and want to tell you but then I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t do that anymore because it’s OVER. It’s hard… But I am getting better. Before now I hadn’t missed you for two days. That’s progress. Granted, it’s probably because I’ve been studying for finals like crazy but it still counts. & maybe by the time I see you again I’ll be good enough that I won’t have to spend our whole time together wishing that I could still kiss you or hold your hand… Okay that’s a long shot. But a girl can be optimistic can’t she?

So we had our first fight since IT happened. It wasn’t even a big fight… So why do I feel really crappy now? I think it’s because I’m starting to see all the reasons why you and I make no sense. This fight was just another thing that proves that logically you and I shouldn’t be able to work. And as much as I wanna say screw logic and that we can do it anyway.. What if we can’t? I mean we’re already not even officially together and it would be so easy for this crazy fragile thing that we have going right now to fall apart. & I mean I know we would still be friends… But I want more… 3

So I really want you to be online. Partially because I’m studying and I want a distraction but mostly because I miss you so much and I wanna talk to you. I always wanna talk to you… It makes me happy. Also I really wanna know if we’re in the same page and the only way for me to know that is to talk to you… So you really need to get online! Now if only I had the guts to say everything I say on tumblr to your face that would just be great.

& he’s one of my best friends. He gives me butterflies. It’s not simple though. We’ve had all kinds of crazy ups and downs. & we’re not even together now… Yet I’m completely content. We have the perfect balance of friendship and a little more. When I need a friend he’s there… & when I need a man he’s there. I trust him more than pretty much anyone… & maybe that’s dangerous but I’m not worried at all. If you saw us you’d think that we make no sense.. And on the basics level we don’t make any sense… But on a different level it makes more sense than anything else. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He doesn’t get mad or flustered when I’m being needy( which honestly happens more than it should). He laughs at the same dumb things as me. We like the same ridiculous movies. Idk how else to explain other than to say that it’s just comfortable. I never worry about how I look or anything when I’m with him. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel beautiful(don’t get me wrong.. I don’t need a guy to make me feel good about myself.. I love myself its just a nice bonus) without even trying to. He makes me really happy… I mean I’m already happy, but he makes me even more happy… A different kind of happy.

I’m supposed to be studying but I keep getting distracted by a myriad Of things… 1) I can’t stop thinking about a certain boy(how cliche). 2) I got a new book on the Beatles. 3) Facebook. 4) My throat hurts. 5) the Christmas lights above my futon. 6) texting my friend advice 7) tumblr(obviously). Ughhh… Why must I be so A.D.D.???

SOmetimes I wish people realized the impact that their actions(or lack thereof) have on other people. I mean don’t say you love someone and that you’ll do whatever it takes to stay in touch with them because you’d be lost without them if you can’t live up to it. Later on that person may go back and read the texts where you made all those promises and just feel shitty because you didn’t keep any of them. I mean if you hadn’t made those promises they can still miss you, but at least they won’t feel completely hurt and betrayed.  I mean it’s things like this that make me completely question the validity of a friendship… did they ever care, were they using me, do they just not care anymore, were they just saying what I wanted to hear, was any part of the friendship genuine?  I mean, maybe I’m being a little over-dramatic but it takes a lot for me to really trust someone so when I do and they betray that trust it really hurts. Especially when that person was a little more than just a friend… I mean if you’re my friend why did you tell me you had feelings for me just to drop me… especially since you know how much I’ve been hurt before. It really makes me question whether or not you ever cared about me at all.