There is this particular reoccurring event in my life which comes with a strange sensation which I have recently come to understand. I always knew it was there and constantly tried to explain it to myself but have been unable to do so until now. The event and and sensation is finishing a story(whether it be a single novel, a trilogy, or a series) an the bitter sweet feelings that accompany it. When I read a story it becomes an alternate reality into which I can escape from my mundane life whenever I feel it necessary or just desirable. I become so involved with the story that I begin to feel an attachment to the characters as I get to know them through the beautiful flow of words which surround me. When I reach the end I filled with a sense of pride and joy mingled with sadness and a sense of loss. You see, when I reach the end of a novel I feel as though I have completed the journey of each character which creates a strange sort of triumph with me. At the same time I also feel as if I am losing something because the journey has ended and I am losing my new friends which brings with it a sort of melancholy. This bittersweet experience continues until I find another story, another reality, into which I can fully immerse myself and the cycle begins again.
There are the days when everything feels right…
& then there are days when you realize you were just being naive.
This is why I never tell certain people anything! I mean geez why does he have to be so damn infuriating!?? I trust you with something huge and I instantly regret it! How do you know just the right thing to say to make me lose my mind! It’s like you sit around all the time thinking of/looking up things to say to people to completely frustrate them! UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! YOU REALLY MAKE ME WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!
So I have a really hard time with the fact that I trusted you with something so important and special and now its just… Over. I hate that word… Over. I have to keep telling myself that it’s over because sometimes I forget… Like when I have a dream about you and I wake up and want to tell you but then I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t do that anymore because it’s OVER. It’s hard… But I am getting better. Before now I hadn’t missed you for two days. That’s progress. Granted, it’s probably because I’ve been studying for finals like crazy but it still counts. & maybe by the time I see you again I’ll be good enough that I won’t have to spend our whole time together wishing that I could still kiss you or hold your hand… Okay that’s a long shot. But a girl can be optimistic can’t she?
So we had our first fight since IT happened. It wasn’t even a big fight… So why do I feel really crappy now? I think it’s because I’m starting to see all the reasons why you and I make no sense. This fight was just another thing that proves that logically you and I shouldn’t be able to work. And as much as I wanna say screw logic and that we can do it anyway.. What if we can’t? I mean we’re already not even officially together and it would be so easy for this crazy fragile thing that we have going right now to fall apart. & I mean I know we would still be friends… But I want more… 3
So I really want you to be online. Partially because I’m studying and I want a distraction but mostly because I miss you so much and I wanna talk to you. I always wanna talk to you… It makes me happy. Also I really wanna know if we’re in the same page and the only way for me to know that is to talk to you… So you really need to get online! Now if only I had the guts to say everything I say on tumblr to your face that would just be great.
& he’s one of my best friends. He gives me butterflies. It’s not simple though. We’ve had all kinds of crazy ups and downs. & we’re not even together now… Yet I’m completely content. We have the perfect balance of friendship and a little more. When I need a friend he’s there… & when I need a man he’s there. I trust him more than pretty much anyone… & maybe that’s dangerous but I’m not worried at all. If you saw us you’d think that we make no sense.. And on the basics level we don’t make any sense… But on a different level it makes more sense than anything else. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He doesn’t get mad or flustered when I’m being needy( which honestly happens more than it should). He laughs at the same dumb things as me. We like the same ridiculous movies. Idk how else to explain other than to say that it’s just comfortable. I never worry about how I look or anything when I’m with him. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel beautiful(don’t get me wrong.. I don’t need a guy to make me feel good about myself.. I love myself its just a nice bonus) without even trying to. He makes me really happy… I mean I’m already happy, but he makes me even more happy… A different kind of happy.
I’m supposed to be studying but I keep getting distracted by a myriad Of things… 1) I can’t stop thinking about a certain boy(how cliche). 2) I got a new book on the Beatles. 3) Facebook. 4) My throat hurts. 5) the Christmas lights above my futon. 6) texting my friend advice 7) tumblr(obviously). Ughhh… Why must I be so A.D.D.???
I really miss days like this, doing random things with my real friends!